Death of a Mary Sue
by chicks4aragornunite
Summary: Another disgusting Mary Sue actually named Mary Sue is about to meet her untimely end! If you can suffer through the horrible butchering of Lord of the Rings, you'll probably enjoy the end of this story when the end comes!
1. Meet Mary Sue

**Disclaimer-I don't own Lord of the Rings. Tragically, I do own Maria Susana Gabriella Denise Alicia Felicia Rose Silverbird Theresa Montez. But before you kill me, look at the title, grab a barf bag, and rest assured that I am gonna kill this little…I cannot even come up with the right word to describe my hatred for this girl!**

**Death of a Mary Sue**

Once upon a time not too long ago, a miracle occurred. A father and a mother gave birth to the perfect child, a girl they named Maria Susana Gabriella Denise Alicia Felicia Rose Silverbird Theresa Montez. The parents were overjoyed at this absolutely perfect yet easy to remember name they gave their perfect child. She never cried and she was walking and talking within her first week of life. Little Mary Sue (as she was nicknamed) was truly a child prodigy. She had absolutely perfect jet black hair and piercing green eyes. Everyone loved Maria Susana Gabriella Denise…etc, etc, etc to itty bitty pieces! She started kindergarten when she was two years old and instantly learned how to play every single instrument known to man, and she could read every single word in the unabridged dictionary while her other classmates were learning their alphabet.

But alas, poor Mary Sue's life was not perfect. She was sexually abused every single day of her life, every single turtle she owned ran away, and she was allergic to brussel sprouts. Poor little Mary Sue could have been very miserable indeed, but she kept a positive mental attitude.

And so she grew up, so perfect yet tragically haunted by her poor pathetic childhood. Somehow through all this sorrow, she managed to reach the age of 16 without anyone strangling her perfect neck. At that time, she discovered the Lord of the Rings……


	2. To Middle Earth

**Disclaimer- I don't own Lord of the Rings. I wish I didn't own Mary Sue.**

CHAPTER 2

Little Mary Sue thought that maybe, just maybe, she had found the answer to her prayers. She quickly became absolutely obsessed with the Lord of the Rings, and spent all of her poor pathetic haunted time crying into a pillow shaped like Legolas' head.

Then one day, she couldn't take it anymore. Her 27th turtle had run away screaming into the night, and Mary Sue had had the last straw. She started crying perfect tears down her perfect cheeks, when all of a sudden, her FAIRY GODMOTHER (who randomly didn't exist until this precise moment in time) appeared and gave her a pair of ruby slippers.

"Dear, sweet little Mary Sue" said her obviously drunk fairy godmother "I have come to give you these random pair of ruby slippers that I found on the set of the Wizard of Oz. Just click your heels together three times and you can go wherever you want." Then she disappeared in a drunken cloud of purple smoke.

Maria Susana etc, etc, etc, widened her beautifully creepy green eyes and put on the ruby red slippers. Clicking her perfect heels together three times, she began her journey….

TO MIDDLE EARTH.


	3. Mary Sue's Near Death Experience

**Disclaimer-Once again, I don't own Lord of the Rings.**

CHAPTER 3

Mary Sue found herself by a swift, flowing river. She blinked her wide, perfect eyes and looked around. Was she really in Middle Earth? Or was her fairy godmother too drunk to know what she was talking about?

She heard hoof beats. Mary Sue ran into the middle of the river, for she was deathly afraid of being trampled. A rider on a large white horse broke through the trees. Mary Sue stared, then whimpered slightly as the horse charged to the other side of the river. The rider didn't seem to notice Mary Sue. Mary Sue pouted. She wasn't used to being ignored. Everybody loved her. She didn't understand what was going on.

As she thought these things, five more horses burst through the trees and chased the white rider. Mary Sue screamed and fell over backwards into the water, scared half to death. The rider on the white horse glanced in her direction, but still didn't see her. Mary Sue curled up into a little ball and cried because her dress was wet and she was cold and now these ugly black horses were going to trample her and she'd look ugly at her funeral. The rider on the white horse started to say something. Mary Sue tried in vain to grab something, anything to keep her from going downstream. The water was rising and the current was growing strong. "Oh my," said Mary Sue to herself, "I can't swim!" This thought made her cry harder because if she was carried down the river, no one would find her body and then she wouldn't even have the opportunity to look pretty at her funeral! Talk about unfair!

And still the water continued to rise. Mary Sue was tossed around in a most unladylike fashion. She couldn't breathe. She kept getting sucked under the rushing waters. "So this is the end," she cried. But at that exact moment, someone grabbed her and dragged her to shore. Mary Sue fainted dead away as soon as she reached land.

The white rider stared at her and shook her head. "I should have just let her drown," she said. "I can't believe I just saved a Mary Sue." But, being way too nice to just throw Mary Sue back in the river, Arwen daughter of Elrond carried her to the healers and hoped she wouldn't have to put up with her again.


	4. But alas, she's still alive

**Disclaimer: I don't own LotR**

**A/N: Thank you to Katerina17 and Avalon's Mists for your reviews!**

CHAPTER 4

To the horror of Arwen, Mary Sue awoke a few days later completely unharmed. (for as we know, Mary Sues are like Ben Affleck in every movie I've seen him in…the man just won't DIE! But I digress) She rose from her bed and wandered around the sunlit room, taking it all in.

Suddenly, she became aware of a presence in the room. She spun around to see a tall elf with dark hair. It was none other than Elrond, followed closely by his daughter, who was glaring daggers at Mary Sue.

"Glad to see you're awake," said Elrond. "But you'd best get back in bed, just in case, Miss…"

"Maria Susana Gabriella Denise Alicia Felicia Rose Silverbird Theresa Montez," she said. "But everyone calls me Mary Sue."

Arwen rolled her eyes. "A Mary Sue named Mary Sue. That's original," she muttered.

"And how did you get here?" said Elrond, ignoring his daughter.

Mary Sue had to think for a moment. She wasn't sure that she should tell him the truth, as it was pretty unbelievable. So, she did something she had never done before. She lied.

"Um, I come from another world to…aid the Fellowship in their quest because…the fate of my people is tied to the fate of the ring."

Elrond raised an eyebrow. "Fellowship? There is no such fellowship yet. But as for the Ring, we are meeting today to decide what to do with it. You may join us, if the Ring's fate is so important to you."

Mary Sue nodded.


	5. Mary Sue's Crisis

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the stupid Mary Sue who is going to die.**

**A/N: Thanks to SuPeRsiLiSaRaH for your review. Isn't it disgusting how people think this kind of crud is good? Ick! I want to kill myself for just writing this stuff! J.R.R. Tolkien! Forgive me! (falls on his grave and begs)**

CHAPTER 5

Mary Sue was alone once again, and in the middle of a crisis. The super secret meeting of the ring or whatever the heck it was called (Mary Sue could not trouble herself to remember something as trivial as the name of the COUNCIL OF ELROND) was in less than an hour and….MARY SUE HAD NOTHING TO WEAR! OMG!

She searched the closet once more, tears clouding her perfect green eyes. This did her no good, however, because she had already strewn most of the gorgeous gowns on the floor of her room. Mary Sue ran to the mirror and screamed. WAS THAT A ZIT? OH THE HUMANITY! She fell on the floor in the fetal position just as Arwen burst into the room.

"What's wrong?" she said, trying to fake concern.

Mary Sue rolled around on the floor blubbering. "I h-have n-nothing to WEAAAAAAR!" she howled as she buried her face in a blue silk gown.

Arwen stared at her, mouth hanging open. In a wild fit of rage, she snatched up a rather heavy vase and was about to fling it at Mary Sue with all her strength….but she stopped herself and stormed out of the room in a huff.

Mary Sue lay on the floor until Arwen came back with a green bundle. "Wear this and stop your sniveling or I swear I'll kill you and not feel the slightest bit of remorse about it" throwing it on the floor, she left again.

Mary Sue picked up the green dress, her eyes growing wide. "This is….PERFECT!" she squealed, hurrying to put it on. But in the back of her mind, she had a sneaking suspicion that Arwen didn't like her…..nah.

"Everyone loves me" she said, fluffing her hair, "That's ridiculous" and she left her room to go to the meeting. Council. Thing.


	6. The Council of the Broken Fingernail

**Disclaimer: I don't own LotR**

**A/N: Thanks again to SuPeRsiLiSaRaH for reviewing, and thanks to shieldmaidenofeorlingas for you review as well! My horrible Tolkien-butchering story has a following! (of sorts) Okay, I know you're only reading this to see Mary Sue die a horrible death. I'm okay with that. I want her to die too! So without further adieu, **

CHAPTER 6

Mary Sue suppressed a yawn. This meeting dealy thingy was soooo boring. It was just scads of men and ugly dwarves going on and on about a stupid ring. She had personally seen the ring. It wasn't that special.

Of course, the ring was about the only thing she could see, because that nasty Elrond had hidden her from the rest of them. "Too much of a distraction" he said. Mary Sue pouted. As true as that might be, there was really no need to keep her hidden. It was like taking someone to see the Mona Lisa and then putting a curtain over it. _Of course_ she thought _I am obviously more fantastic than the Mona Lisa_.

She crossed her arms. Stupid Elrond. Stupid bush he put her in. Stupid ugly ring. The voices grew louder and louder around her and she covered her perfect ears for a few seconds. She heard snatches of conversation.

"You have my sword"

"And you have my bow"

"And my axe"

Mary Sue rolled her eyes. She was bored almost to perfect tears. She shifted her weight and…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

She could feel all eyes on her. Elrond rushed to her and pulled her out of the bushes. "Mary Sue, are you all right?" he asked, his wise eyes full of concern.

Mary Sue sniffed as perfect tears ran down her perfect cheeks. Her usually perfect hair was mussed, and her cheeks were red with emotion. She drew a shuddery breath. "I broke a nail!"

Elrond stared at her in disbelief, then shook his head and said, "Ten companions. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring."

**A/N: Yep, ten companions. I'm so sorry that I am killing Lord of the Rings! ACK! It burns!**


	7. Packing Light

**Disclaimer-I don't own LotR**

**A/N-Sorry I haven't updated recently…this story kind of slipped my mind. I know it's kind of a short chapter…I'm kind of undecided on what to do next. Any suggestions are welcome. (by the way, I actually do know a lot about Lord of the Rings, and I really do like it. I have seen all the movies and read all the books. I am only pretending to be stupid because it is Mary Sue's point of view. Have no fear, she will die eventually!)**

Mary Sue packed frantically. Everyone else was waiting impatiently for her. _Men._ Mary Sue thought, rolling her eyes. _They have no idea that beauty this fantastic takes work_. As she threw more clothes than any person could possibly wear in ten years into her bags, she thought about her travel companions. The whatevership of the who-the-heck-cares-because-it-did-not-pertain-directly-to-Mary-Sue.

She did not have a very high opinion of most of them. They were generally unwashed, ungroomed, and basically ugly. Gimli and Gandalf were practically deformed, Merry, Pippin, Frodo, and Sam were much too short for her liking. And their hairy feet! Couldn't they wax that off? Boromir was okay…he at least kind of knew how to dress anyway. Aragorn had the potential to be very good looking…if he shaved…and washed…and got a haircut…and got some decent clothes…and broke up with that Arwen chick. Legolas was hotter than hott, but he also threatened her place as the prettiest one in the group. She would have to do something about that. Maybe cut off his long golden hair, or 'accidentally' throw him in some poison ivy.

"Mary Sue! Hurry up!" a voice echoed from below.

"I'm coming!" She said, dragging at least ten bags down the stairs.

Aragorn raised his eyebrows. "Um, didn't we tell you to pack light?"

Mary Sue stared at him like he was an idiot. "I did!"

Her nine companions stared at her.

"This will be a long trip," Gimli muttered under his breath.


End file.
